Love and Boundaries

LIVE IT UP eNews!                                                                              October 2007 

1. Love and boundaries

2. Recipe: Summer Salad Slimmer

Hello dear reader 

Please accept my apologies that there has been such a gap (3 months in fact) between Newsletters. 

Several excuses!  Maybe reasons?? 

1.  I was on a round the world trip during July and August and away for a month.  I delivered a very well-received presentation in Tehran (Iran), visited friends in Europe, caught up with psychologist mentor and friends in the US, spent time with a Life Between Life Therapist, went to Disneyland, and had a couple of nights in Fiji.  (One of those nights was because the plane couldn’t fly, but who’s complaining!) 

2.  I went to Nepal for two weeks at the beginning of September, boarded the plane on my birthday actually, and co-facilitated a Leadership Programme in Nagarkot, near Kathmandu. 

3.  Have had some personal issues to deal with that took a lot of my time!
As excuses or reasons go, I know that you have missed out, and for that I am truly sorry.  I think I am back on track now.  Well, until the end of November, when I will be speaking in Lucknow, but only away for 9 days. 

Warm regards Narelle 

1. Set your Boundaries & Love that Self-Respect

Have you ever been in a situation that called for you to strengthen your boundaries?  By this I mean that your family, or your partner, someone close to you, pushed you into doing something, or being someone that you are not. 

We often think that loving someone means that we have to be all things to that person – lover, supporter, friend, confidante, motivator and that we should ignore or tolerate the stuff we don’t like in him or her. 

HOWEVER, this is not true.  Well, to love someone means that we are all those things, and do wear all those hats, but it doesn’t mean that we should ignore the stuff we don’t like, or worse still, tolerate it. 

To ignore it means that we hope those behaviours or actions or words will disappear, and sometimes they will, because of the lack of attention.  And you know I am not talking only about children here, I am also referring to adults. 

What are you tolerating in your relationship?

However, to tolerate something means to keep putting up with it, to go along with it despite feeling uncomfortable in the centre of your being.  This is not Love with a capital L.   

It is a slow and silent erosion of your relationship, no matter whether that is personal, business or work-related.  There is no setting or resetting of tolerance levels that can be done that will fix this.  To tolerate is to “not love” and the longer that ‘not loving’ goes on, the more the person doing the tolerating will withdraw and try and pretend that everything is alright. 

When asked if everything is okay, or, “are we okay”, he or she will say, “Everything’s fine, what are you worrying about?”  Why, because they cannot cope with the potential conflict that may occur through being upfront and honest and saying what they really mean.  They don’t want to rock the boat, and say “I’d prefer you did it this way, what can I do to help you?” 

Co-dependency fosters helplessness

Sometimes it is difficult for either party to recognise that they are both playing a role and creating co-dependency together in the relationship.  If this is true for you or someone you know, self-denial may be an issue.  Self-denial or avoidance can be a coping mechanism, but in the long run, it may not be a healthy response because it can ultimately backfire. 

So, when you love someone, let them know if you are not happy.  Let them know what you are not happy about.  Love means you can sort things out and make it better together. 

Do your best to phrase it in the positive by asking if it is possible for him or her to do or say something differently.  By not speaking of what you don’t like, but rather providing a guideline for what you do like, it won’t sound as critical.  Whenever the words or behaviour occurs that you want, pour the praise on. 

5 Love Languages 

One last thing, there is such a thing as the 5 Love Languages.  Find out what your partner likes to hear, see, feel and do, or receive, to know that he or she is loved.  Doing this and following through on it, is like lighting the candle on the decorated cake.  If you want to see a sparkle in the eye of your loved one, then light the flame of love according to your partner’s preference of receiving love. 

© Lutwyche Psychologist, Narelle Stratford  2007 

Master’s Wisdom!

Master says, 

“Remember to play!  Remember to have fun!” 

2. Recipe: Summer Salad Slimmer

Packet of baby spinach leaves, mixed with these ingredients, sliced thin: 1 shallot, 1 tomato,  1/2 capsicum, small sprig parsley, 1 small cucumber, 1 stick celery, 1 ripe avocado, and 2 hard-boiled eggs. 

Toss gently together, and serve with salad dressing: 

In a jar, combine 2/3 cup grape seed or macadamia or olive oil, 1/3 cup lemon juice or white vinegar and finely chopped: 1 clove garlic, 1/2 small medium chilli, and small squirt basil paste from tube. Put the lid on and shake vigorously so ingredients are well combined. 

Delicious!