Relationship Counselling

Perhaps you have found this page because you are having some problems in your relationship, or with your communication.  Perhaps no-one seems to understand you, particularly your partner, wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, or there has been an increase of conflict, or alternatively, more distance between you both.

All couples are different and it makes no difference whether you are in a same gender relationship, or heterosexual relationship, the issues arise just the same.

What I have noticed client’s describe is a to and fro around the issues, and to make this easier let’s picture an imaginary couple named Peter and Sam (who might be either gender, take your pick).  Sam approaches Peter and says that there is this vague feeling of ‘there’s something wrong with the relationship’ and is told, ‘no there isn’t, everything’s fine, and if there’s something wrong then it must be with you.  I’m happy.’

This can happen a number of times, and when it does, Sam, who is not fully happy begins to think that there is something wrong and may go and seek other activities to help cope. 

This could be joining a committee, taking on more work, spending more time at the gym or classes, and Sam ends up feeling better about themself, but not the relationship.

 Each time that Sam talks to Peter and voices concerns, each time that happens and Sam’s not listened to, or not validated, or those concerns are not accepted, Sam may begin to step back from the relationship.  In the workplace, this is known as disengagement.

At home, it is known as losing trust in your partner and can trigger the beginning of letting go of the dreams Sam had for their relationship together. 

When Sam begins to let go of those dreams, they may actually begin to rationalise the other party’s behaviour as okay, taking everything on board as Sam’s own fault.  Of course, it takes two to tango as the saying goes, and both parties will have had a hand in the breakdown of the relationship, but at least Sam wanted to face up to it in the beginning.

After a period of rationalisation and acknowledgement that nothing has changed, it is as if Sam then begins the grieving process over the demise of the relationship, without really being aware that this is happening.

At this point, Sam suggests counselling, and perhaps Peter is still insisting that their is nothing wrong and refuses to go.  Sam goes off to counselling or works on personal growth and development and gains increasing confidence in him/herself and comes back and says to Peter, “I want a divorce” (or to split up, go our separate ways, whatever their situation is for them).

Peter is shocked and can’t believe it’s happening, and why didn’t Sam say something? 

Now, the to and fro betweeen them may have occurred over a period of some months, or it might take years to get to this point, it depends on the patience and tolerance of each partner.

So, when Peter is shocked for Peter there is only now, because the word ‘divorce’ or break-up is brought up and that usually jolts people out of their complacency. 

It is often at this point that couples see a psychologist or counsellor, and hope that they can reignite their relationship.  Sometimes it is possible, and other times, it is too far down the path of being apart instead of together.

It would be great if couples sought help for their problems much sooner than this, as the prognosis for staying together and making it work is much more optimistic.

How can Narelle help if couples are caught in these dilemmas?

Firstly, assessment, because if either party is experiencing stress, depression or anxiety or any other mental health disorder, then it is important to start reducing the effects of those symptoms.  Taking some of the charge out of those symptoms may assist the relationship to become a little more stable.

Secondly, I encourage couples to complete a 101 Relationship Questionnaire, which has 101 questions that examines values and beliefs, and expectations on 10 separate factors ranging from your sex life to finances.  You can do this at home, and work on it steadily, week by week, and note any questions for discussion with me, where you can’t agree on your answers.

Thirdly, you will learn some steps to make communication easier between the two of you, so that you begin to speak the same language.  If possible, it is also a good idea to complete a DiSC profile and be able to understand how similar or different you are in the way that you operate, to look for compatibility or areas that you thought you would change.

And finally, it is necessary to clean up emotional baggage from the past, so that each person can move forward either together or separately.  Many people take the ghost of a former lover or partner into their relationships and this may influence the outcome of their relationship too. 

Another area that can impact on relationships is the impact of sexual assault, abuse or trauma , and this may effect the relationship dynamics.  it doesn’t always do this, it is just something to be aware of.

Believe it or not, there are often lots of laughs and good times throughout the process of working on the relationship and the individual.

What can you do in the meantime?

Begin learning to listen without being defensive.  that’s worth repeating.  Learn to listen without being defensive.  Stop making little snide comments, or putting down sarcastically.  Unfortunately, many TV shows depict sitcoms with hurtful and sarcastic remarks seen as humour, when in fact, they are derogatory and demeaning. 

Learn to validate what your partner says, as it is true for him or her at that time.  You can do this by saying, “I can see you really believe what you have just said.”  Or, “Tell me more about what that means for you..”  by doing this, you are opening the doorway to conversation, instead of shutting the door and bolting it closed.

I hope this has been of some help, and of course, there are many other different scenarios that cause break-downs in communication and relationships that I have not explored.  So, check back in the future for more information.