Mental Filters

Have you, like me, ever found yourself obsessing about something that you might have done wrong, which was in fact so minor there was no need to worry about it?

My mental filter is like a screen across my mind that only allows one thought, and it is not a happy one.

For example, I might make a presentation which everyone seems interested in, and at the end, someone says something mildly critical and offers a suggestion on what could improve the presentation. Rather than accepting the feedback, I feel upset, criticized, and I just can’t let it go, that one little thing that was wrong. I think about it for days on end, obsessing about how I could have done things differently, what an idiot I was, what a failure it was, and I just refuse to let it go.

I get very down on myself, or if this was someone else who was doing something for me and it didn’t meet my standards, I might also get down on others if they don’t perform to my expectations.

This Cognitive Distortion known as a Mental Filter, means that I lose a lot of energy through dwelling on those negatives.

What could you possibly think about instead? How can you have a different thought?

Firstly, give yourself some credit about all the things that went well, that you did right. Think about what was good about your presentation. If the majority of the feedback was good, then how would you feel focussing on those positives instead? Kick that “but, if I’d just done….” out the way.

Everyone does know how to let things go, because everyone has let go of feelings about something or someone at some time in their life. For instance, ever had an argument with a friend? I know I have. I felt annoyed, peeved, put out, maybe a little bit hurt.

In my case, though, I recognised quickly that if I continued feeling the way I was, that those feelings would drag me down, lose my energy, and make me feel bad inside. So, I made a decision.

Therefore, in favour of maintaining my friendship, I let go of the thoughts and the emotions. Well, how do you do that, I hear you say. In my case, I think it is based on experience.

I have decided at some time that my friendship was more important and that to dwell on those emotions would damage me, and damage my relationship with my friend. Not to mention how tired and stressed it made me by dwelling on how I felt and what my friend had said or done.

You know what else? I was feeling disappointed in myself, questioning my ability to be a friend, questioning why people behave the way they do, and it was getting very twisted inside my head. Those thoughts were depressing me.

Firstly, it is a decision based on a value judgement: do I value the friendship more than the annoyance or hurt or anger? Yes, I do. Then, I decide to let go of those old emotions and that means that I think about everything else in my life and everything else that’s good about my friend, that I like feeling good about, and focus on those thoughts and feelings.

If my friend has ignored my boundaries or disrespected me, then it is up to me to let my friend know that his behaviour was inappropriate and that I would appreciate a different behaviour instead and this is what I see happening…. (I can then tell my friend what I would like him to do or say instead), so that he has suggestions on how he can modify his behaviour. If I don’t let him know the depth of my hurts or annoyance, then he has no scope for change. Why not? Because quite simply, he is not a mind-reader.

So, take these 4 simple steps toward peace: